“The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable, but our wholeness – even our wholeheartedness – actually depends on the integration of all our experiences, including the falls.” – Brene Brown
I am so grateful I had the opportunity to escape to Sedona this weekend with dear friends. I needed to get away from some stress and spend time with nature and other earth goddesses. Have you ever been to Sedona? The dirt literally sparkles and shimmers, the sounds of nature are better than any meditation CD I have ever found, and I think the red rocks sing and whisper things that can be lost in the wind, but still resonate within the heart. I enjoyed the warm of the sun as I laid on the damp earth, dipped my toes in the cold water, and danced around with my friends. It gave me a lot of time to reconnect with femininity, the intuition of goddess within, and the reassurance of mother. It also gave me a lot of time to think…
In my last post, I discussed the importance of trusting the universe and continuing to be positive in the direction of your dreams. I still 100% believe in this and everything I wrote a couple weeks ago remains true in how I feel. However, after speaking with a number of people, I am worried that I gave a false sense of “everything just falling into place if you believe in it enough”. That’s not exactly what I meant… Sometimes your goals or your visualization for how things should be just might not match up with what the universe has in store for you. This can be beyond frustrating! Plus, when you are making big leaps of faith, you often go through a process of reinventing yourself. This combination of stress is exhausting, even in the best situations.
I still believe that I made the right choice to trust the Universe and I still believe everything is going to work out the way it is supposed to. Last Sunday, I received a phone call from the company I was to begin work with later that week. The contract was signed, a new laptop was purchased, and I was eager for the new opportunity. Unfortunately for me, the company was notifying me that due to a new legal battle they were entering into, they were retracting all recent employment offers. It was hard news to swallow. I was so confused… I thought the Universe had my back? I thought this job was helping everything to fall in line? I cried. Then, I began to call family and friends, knowing that I was really going to put myself through a miserable day if I didn’t reach out for support. Love is the only way to combat fear. I put myself back together and began the process of completing applications… again.
Bad start to the week, as I have also been in the process of selling my belonging and was completing my teaching at two different gyms. This whole process was affecting me more than I realized. Teaching has become a large part of my identity and I truly felt like I was abandoning my students. Throughout the announcements of my leaving, the purging of my belongings, my last class at the gym, I felt great! I knew partially that I was bummed, but the promises of things to come made it more thrilling to me than sad. I am a person who loves change, so no biggie!
By the end of last week, I was seriously a wreck! It came out of nowhere. Anyone who has dealt with the suddenness of depression, anxiety, or fear knows what I am talking about. You literally wake up on the wrong side of the bed. The worst part for me is, when I really sit back and think about it, there were signs. If I had slowed down enough to breathe last week, I would’ve let myself experience the grieving of loosing small pieces of myself. But I was caught up in the "positive". I was caught up in showing my students and friends and family that if you take a big enough leap of faith, everything will turn out awesome!
And I think it will… eventually. It is a process. Some days are going to suck. Some days, I feel like I made the worst decision of my life and that I cannot be trusted to make rational, responsible decisions. Some days, I have to smile and nod politely when someone shares how much of an inspiration I am and how they are envious of my plans, but my head is spinning and I feel like a fraud.
I don’t have a job figured out at this point. I am further away from my financial plans than I was planning to be. I am attached to my material items more than I ever imagined I could be. I am grieving throughout my change. I sometimes let fear win. And all of this SUCKS!
We sugarcoat the shit out of everything, just to prove the power of staying positive. This really sets a false sense of reality and I don’t want any of my students or friends to ever feel like they didn’t have enough faith because things seem to be falling apart. The universe has its own timeline for your life, my life, and we just have to persevere. We are going to deal with fear and doubt. We may fall several times before we get to where we are meant to be.
I encourage you to take leaps, explore the great curiosities within you, and chase your dreams. However, have a plan for when you fall. Create a support system or know what your soul needs. The more we can surround ourselves with love in tough situations, the easier it is to get back up and prepare for battle. Staying positive might not always work, but we have to move forward, always.
I am grateful that I know there are people I can call when I need to be pulled out of my shame or fear. I have friends who will tell me to stop being a diva and get over to their place, wine is waiting. I have people who remind me how much my soul needs to get away, how much I need to connect with the earth and raw femininity. I have friends who will hold me, host my pity party, and when I am finished, they forcefully push me back to work without excuses. These are my people!
One of my favorite authors, Brene Brown states, “we don’t have to do all of it alone, we were never meant to.”
This is real life, my friends. I never want to be anything but authentic with each of you. I am still moving in positive directions, I am still faithful that something will work out, but I am still terribly fearful. You do not need to always be positive and obnoxiously optimistic, but please create a toolbox to keep you moving towards the light.
I love you all and appreciate all of the kind words you have given me so far. The support has been incredible. I will keep you posted on my job search, new blog, and all of the events to come!
Namaste, Taryn <3